Today, instead of cleaning the house, my mother, sister and I went out to watch the movie Eat Pray Love, starring Julia Roberts and the ever handsome Javier Bardem. The movie is an adaptation of the autobiographical book by Elizabeth Gilbert and accounts how she found herself by traveling to three particular locations- Italy, India, and Indonesia. The movie was pretty good, though I was unable to read the book (my mother, a fan, was slightly disappointed); but this after all is not a review blog. I felt like going on a journey myself while I was watching the movie. Liz, the main character, was stuck in a life she built. She wanted change because she was unhappy, and she had enough courage to dive and leave everything for that change. Liz left New York, her husband, and everything that was unneeded in her spiritual journey to find herself.
I'm actually just 19 years old and yet the movie's rising action struck me so much as I found myself in the crossroads not too long ago. This is since, unlike other 19 year olds in other countries who are getting ready to go to college, settling into their dormitories and such, I am already enrolling in graduate school- Medical School to be precise. I had a metaphorical box of dreams that would forever be put on hold once I choose to continue with career. I'm still a teenager yet they pushed me to the real world right away. I was at a lost. I didn't know what to do, but my parents were very adamant that I push through with this. For the longest time I did as I was told and did everything the best I could. It dawned on me, however, that this one decision will be one that would change my life forever.
I asked myself then what I wanted to do. I once dreamed of becoming a famous writer- but that I know is no longer for me (that story is for another movie:P). I wanted to go into fashion, costume design- but I became a person too different from it already. I wanted to paint for a living- but I was never able to develop my skill past mediocrity. I ended not knowing what I should be doing and concluded that the thing I'm still good at is studying. I realized, after so long, what my childhood dream was. The dream that was buried so long ago that it is in the bottom of my metaphorical box. I wanted to become a scientist- I wanted to study evolution.
Biology was actually my pre-med course, and I have medal that says I did it more than well. Reviewing my subjects only made me believe even more that that is the track I should be taking. I didn't care if the career didn't pay for the life I was used to, I just wanted to get away and be happy with my life. The designer bags and the nice shoes were not as enticing for me as what I wanted to pursue. I was ready to make my plans, look for a scholarship in New York or in Japan so I could run away and live my life. I knew there was a big possibility that I might not come home for a very long time and it didn't really matter that much. I was so confused and suffocated that I simply wanted to break free.
I was on the track to freedom until my brother found out and had a very long talk with me and he was right- I'm only 19 years old. It too early for me to runaway. It would indeed be irresponsible of me to take off and find myself. By the time I came home that weekend, my father who was of course furious after finding out my bout of rebellion had cooled down and talked to me. I am as he was before and I still have time for my dreams in the future. I need not make haste after them, I simply have to grow up more.
Elizabeth Gilbert in the movie was already at the middle of her life. She was already an independent adult when the movie began. She was old enough to do the take control of her life and make the decisions she made. My Italy and Bali would have to wait I guess, but somehow I'm feeling my India right about now.
After deciding to push through with medical school I am ashamed to say that I am still unhappy and gritty and cynical about my life. I have gained at least 10 lbs since June and have been gaining more since. Food, for the first time in my life, has become my stress reliever. I moved from 3 meals a day to more than five on occasion. My appetite got so bad that I just kept on eating but life wasn't getting any better. I felt emptier than ever before. I was lucky enough to have met a new friend while I was in the darkest of place of my existence.
I used to pray a lot- emphasis on the used to. I stopped around five years ago due to reasons I will not disclose now. I believed in God, I still believe in Him but in a different way. I became angry- though most teenager are, I feel like my anger was not the teenage tantrum. I couldn't find the light in my life for the past decade and my hold on life was getting loose. It was only until recently that I was able to find the will to try and forgive my self.
In the movie, Liz met an old Texan named Richard who helped her through her meditations and pointed her to the path of forgiving her self. I'm still on the journey, and haven't quite gotten there yet, but somebody has recently given me a compass.
After having a would've been wonderful night ruined, I went for a few drinks with my friend- I will hide him in the name Shinji. Shinji, to say the least, is one of the most ironic people I've met so far. He lives his life with sex, a bit of weed, and whole lot of ambition. The only reason he's minimized his old ways is because he really does dream of becoming a doctor. Through his life of sex, drugs, and alcohol he could still hold himself long enough to pray to the Lord. He has one of the strongest faiths I have ever seen. Getting back to that night... After two bottles I was already tipsy and he convinced me to stop and go home. We were talking all night long and he was just listening and responding to the darkness of my life that I was exposing to him for the first time. I probably spent two hours crying to him about all the thing that happened to me and why I stopped praying. Shinji then embraced me, in the most brotherly way, and said "God would not have given all those to a person who isn't strong". He told me to stopped being ashamed and face my inner self so I could pray to God again. I felt so different after that night. Thankfully I didn't have a hangover the next day, but I did feel some kind of release. Crying it out all night felt like the best thing to do. A little bit of alcohol is good for the body.
I guess right now, I'm on my way to being ready for love. I've already eaten too much. I'm still young after all and I need to get my figure back in shape. I'm getting ready to pray again, the road back to Him is clearer now. And I think I'm might be able to commit to someone in spite of my fears. I think I can fall in love with this next guy. I feel that I want to Love.
This is how this movie made me think of my life. I feel the carnal joys of life, I miss the peace of the spiritual quest, and I am ready to not be alone. Eat, Pray, Love is definitely a good movie. I don't think a lot of my age group would like it, but it is certainly for the person feeling trapped and needing to find himself.
